a ballad i attempted

i let him go. today a day before valentines day the supposed day for all romantics i confess i let him go. i don't really want him back yet i'm sad that he went.

late at night sometimes i smile when i reminiscence those little gestures of affection , those words of comfort that he always had for me that soft corner for all my little quirks.i don't really want him back yet i am sad that he will never come back.

love never affected me , sentiments repulsed me yet now as i look back i feel like a fool.... a fool who never understood that i loved him more then he ever could. it breaks my heart now to see him go and never turn back.....

why don't i want him back u may ask.......it is only because he has moved on ... moved on to different shores , moved on hopeful of never getting his heart broken again. it's simple i don't want to hurt anyone again so i want him to stay away.... i know i Will be alright coz i have my memories which will last me nothing short of a life time.

a tear

i was all right for a while
i could smile, for a while but when i saw you last night
you held my hand so tightwhen you stopped to say "hello"and though you wished me well
you couldnt tell
that id been crying
over you crying over you
then you said so longleft me standing all alone
alone and crying crying crying
crying its hard to understand
that the touch of your handcan start me crying i thought that i was over you
but its true
oh, so true i love you even more than i did before
but darling, what can i do?you dont love meand ill always becrying
over you
crying over youyes, now you're gone and from this moment onill be crying crying cryingcrying
-Don McLean
and i love you so the people ask me how
how iv lived till now
i tell them i dont know
i guess they understand
how lonely life has beenbut life began againthe day you took my hand
and yes, i know
how lonely life can bethe shadows follow meand the night wont set me free
but i dont let evening get me down
now that youre around meand you love me too
your thoughs are just for me
you set me spirit free
im happy that you do.the book of life is briefand once a page is readall but love is dead
that is my belief
and yes
i know how loveless life can be
the shadows follow me and the night wont set me free
but i dont let evening bring me downnow that youre around meand i love you so the people ask me how
how iv lived till now
i tell them... i dont know-
Don McLean
do these musings ever manage to suddenly catch a tear cascading down your face?

dreams!!!!

just yesterday i had a dream....it was so vivid that i still remember it in amazing detail.......

i was walking along a tree lined avenue taking in the beauty of the place. it had everything from beautiful flowers in the bushes nearby to fruit rich trees providing a gentle breeze that ruffled my hair.......when suddenly a thought flashed across my head. it was more of a feeling actually ,it was the feeling of complete lonliness , the feeling that at the end of the street there was no one waiting for me. and it's this feeling that i remember most about the dream.it was so real and distinct that i could feel the pain and despair very clearly.

and suddenly i was transported to a bottomless crevice where i was falling and the same dreadful feeling crept on to me that there was no one waiting ........ there was no one to catch me.... no one to hold my hand.

why? why did those feelings creep by? why did i feel that there was nobody waiting for me?these questions will remain unanswered perhaps forever yet i know that they will haunt me till i begin to feel that there is somebody waiting for me.

me and myself

since my life right now is cruising at a speed of 5 km/hr i thought it would appropriate to write a little about myself...... (I'm not trying to be self indulgent)
the past 20 yrs of my life have basically been a whirlwind. my first memory of life is my preschool.though i don't remember much i do remember crying out to the vegetable vendor to take me home!!!! well i was a "special child".
the first few years of school i was a nondescript child who tried to get a+ only because she was promised 3 chocolates per a+.( well my older brother was very persuasive). then came the gawky yet cocky pre teen years nothing remarkable happened their either it was infact in high school that i finally discovered myself.
from dancing at every possible school function to my first brush with leadership high school gave it all.and now i am in college....... aah college what can i say...... i have a mix of the most unusual set of friends each as different from each other as water and oil yet the cacophony that ensues every time they meet even if it's just after an hour is melody to my ears though not to many of our teachers.
yet i must say that i reminiscence about those school days more maybe because everyone knew me there ....... maybe because i was a different person then ......a more confident , a more optimistic and most importantly just a better person. i know it sounds like i am writing like a 60 yr old but it is true and only those who know me inside will know the subtle changes. these 2 yrs of college have changed me more than people realize. i have learnt to accept failure.....a word i hated in school.......i have stopped trying to make a difference because none of my previous efforts seem to have had much of an impact ,plus clearly pessimism has taken a strong hold of me.
so...... in an attempt to prevent ending this blog on a sad note i would just like to say that i probably will change much more over time but change need not always be bad right?
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

a very happy birthday

just as 2006 gave way to 2007 ...... the age of ninteen gave way to that of twenty for me.is it any different many ask. but it isn't . it's the same 24 hrs with the only change that i have maybe lost a little bit of that baby fat and that i have perhaps reduced the frequency of those giggles that freely used to flow.

memories of a remarkable birthday are few. being born so close to my brothers ( 30th-me , 1st-my older bro, 11th- my second bro) i just remember cutting a huge train cake that my parents ordered a week before jan 1st at nilgiri's ( coz they always deliver late) in 3 flavours and a special chocolate engine for my older brother and me ( my second brother the is good boy who doesn't spoil his teeth.... proof only he doesn't have cavities).

our house would be flooded with aunts and uncles still getting over their hangovers from partying way too hard the night before and their children who till they reached about an age of 13 would ogle at the cake till we cut it.my mother would be frantically going over the details again and again. my dad as usual would be getting in the way while he'd pour over the wine cabinet but what was most memorable was that the three of us would be given three bowls of payasam .... that all three of us would try to siphon off so that we wouldn't have to eat it.most of the time it was my second brother who would be forced to have my share and my older brother's.

it's been awhile ......now a few people have even left us for their permanent homes yet somewhere there is a small flicker of hope that those times will return. those times when we all knew what the other was feeling. those times when our biggest worry was who got the biggest piece of cake.

five days in kolkata

i went to kolkata for 5 days last week. lets be frank i absolutely hate going there especially when my brothers are not with me. i know it's kiddish but to not have some one to hang out with in a strange place i know so little about is not only dull and boring but extremely frustrating. but this time as i lay couped up in the apartment watching the sun go down at 4 pm i felt a new sensation.

it was fear. the fear of watching my grandma struggle, struggle against the odds, struggling to survive in a city that she called home as a refugee.born in an affluent family in east pakistan now bangladesh then india she saw what partition could do to families. when she came to calcutta after her marriage she was merely one of the many bangladeshis in calcutta looking to start her life afresh and now she lies in the same city struggling to overcome the doctors predictions.

and i know she will win as she always does. just as she was able to build a life for herself in a strange new city she will fight and once again emerge.

my didbhai my strength i will never forget this trip to calcutta for this was the first time i didn't want to come back, i didn't want to leave you because i was afraid. afraid that i will never again be able to call you didibhai.

chappel ka chappal

Today i was reading in the paper about the disaster in Durban. how the opposition parties are demanding n explanation from bcci chief sharad pawar about India's dismal performance in the recent one day matches. the question is ... would they have asked such questions if dalmiya a non politico would still have been the chief.

Moreover shouldn't it bee mr chappel who fields such questions? i mean his imminent training program seems to be the root cause. i wonder if he repeats the same thing to the players that he tells the press. " we are looking only at the world cup not the other matches" or" it's the process that matters not the result" the latter quote reminds me of the one thing we used to be told in school when we lost on sports day or the annual elocution contest. someone should remind mr. chappel that he's not coaching a bunch of 11 yr old for sports day but an internationally recognized cricket team of a country that takes it's cricket as seriously as it's daily cup of tea.