when she cried

Ever feel like you had something for a really long time...you ignored it, picked at it, hated it.... but when it went away it left you feeling utterly and completely desolate...in a word incomplete.

I've been feeling that for some time now.Not about something in particular but lots of things that i didn't even realize affected me that much.I won't list them out but the reality of the situation is that i miss them...it....it's not loneliness ,it's emptiness. Withdrawal from the existing ordinary and molding into the nowness of the routine.

It's not a temporary thing either because the void will always be there, things will fill up around it but never in it.Sometimes i think that i have actually come to almost embrace this feeling, welcoming it as my own. But what i do realize too is that there are so many out there who feel the same , think the same , and yet are living within the same routine, the same nowness.

When she Cried

Things That make me smile

The concept for this post was plagiarized fromone of my friends though not it's contents... i just thought that i would feel much nicer if i could list out some of the things that make me smile now a days.
well here goes....
musty books....and a hot coffee..
listening to my friends as they laugh , crib or otherwise...
the first spell of rain with the most fantastic aroma,
playing with balloons and making bubbles in my drinks...
hot jalebi and chocolate ice cream....
sitting and doodling at the back of class...
staying awake all night laughing at the most ridiculous of things....
when my choda screws up his face as he tastes something he dislikes...
dada when he's being my dada and baba when he tries to dance...
ma when she runs her hand through my hair and how can i forget her yummy chili chicken...
flowers in general daisies in particular...
being in charge always...
bitching over food with my friends...
wit from any one and no one in particular...
my favorite kind of music.... especially the show tunes of the 60's.
gooey cheese on my plate and dancing to my self for my self..
nowadays... when i see him look up and and see his eyes crinkle up at me which means he's smiling at least in his head...
a surprise sms late at night....
and how can i forget chocolate mousse cake from my ammas...that's all i can think of now but will update as i live on..

i don't know

i've wanted to write about this subject for a long time now... it's about me and no it's not a thesis or some narcissistic post about how great i am but it is about how confused i am as a person to me and thus obviously to others...
when people say that they know i really wonder because it seems that at most times i don't know my self....
i say something but am mostly looking in the complete opposite direction... even now as i write this i'm trying to figure out how and why is it that i choose to put foward a front which is alien to me at most times but common to all others who know me.
i am for example a very jovial happy at most times... sarcastic at evry living hour yet by my self i'm lonely..not very happy and mostly pessimistic and morose about life in general....
i've had heart breaks without any one and i mean when i say any one ever knowing yet i've helped most around me take decisions... be responsible...over come heart break but no one has ever known what i've been genuinely thinking and i'm not sure why..
i don't know why it is that i've never told any one not even my closest friends about the things that make me cry make me laugh and those that really make me happy
question is will i ever be able to .. will i ever be able to tell any one...will any one ever know me for who i am .....
it's a very generic question that i wanted to ask my self and u my reader my void...

here's to new beginnings......

i just read my last post, it was written during math class... laconic moments during math class. it was just 4 months ago but it seems seasons away. I'm working now, i have new responsibilities, new friends..( read colleagues ) i have a career.
it's funny how things shift so fast changing faster than we expect and always leaving behind with it a bag full of memories along with a tearful farewell.
but this isn't about what's lost for it never will be , it will now just co exist with something new , something unknown , something exciting..... a new beginning.
i met my friends from college today and each of us was bursting with news from our respective offices.. the cute guys, the ones without any brains , the popular ones , what we love what we hate, but, at the end of the day we just smiled and echoed the same sentiment that was flowing through each of us... we missed each other but each one of us had moved on, moved on to a new place and no we weren't going to look back but, we weren't going to forget either, life had nudged us to a new place and each one of us was ready to face it all with conviction and confidence and with the hope that we would always remain friends.....
so here's to a new beginning to all of us. we deserve the best and that's what we are going to get.

laconic moments

i was bored at 8.30 in the morning during my first hour of math the other day when suddenly i decided to try my hand at poetry.... so this is an amateurish attempt at publishing a poem written during the first hour of math.

i sit by the window and sigh,
the world goes by without an eye,
love conquers all,
i'm told;
but where is the love?
it seems unknown.

every person is alive i know,
but within them there lie,
a hole, one that can be filled
with only love i'm told,
yet all of them seem ready to run alone.


i wait and wait,
wait as i sit by the window,
looking out into the world
so as to fill my heart with love galore,
yet it goes by without even a sigh....

and then,
suddenly there is a chill,
a clod wind blows by
whispering as it flows a name....
soft but distinct i hear it
i hear a voice breath my name
and i know ...
a tear escapes my eye for i know
i know that now i'll never have
to sit by the window and sigh.

ek pyali chai

rushed mornings...cursing buses nick of time entries quiet giggling , bursts of lod guffaws classroom antics will hold no more,
lazy lunches behind the benches over gossip sometimes serious isn't seen anymore.
and heartfelt talks about the future and past as we mull over the present, successes failures like two sides of the same con will now be uttered by these lips never again with friends over ek pyali chai.
lonliness will creep in again as we march forth toward a new sequence of mornings,
evenings and nights....with different people in different ways, yet....
i'll miss them always, those who made the last few years bearable and sometimes unbearable.....
but they were around laughing, back slapping , consoling , scolding over that pyali of chai....