just as the chill of the weather is setting in... a chill it seems to me is creeping into the hearts of many a person. every day i hear of anew break up, of an old promise broken and a new promise forgotten. cheating coupled with hatred seem to flavour this season of joy , love and compassion. and in the midst of it all.... i try and figure out what's behind all of this.
after several discussions with my rather analytical and philosophical friends i have come to the conclusion that man's most basic (yet acidic) of emotion from which stems his every action and emotion is the culprit. " LOVE " . love i've heard makes the world go round. love i've heard makes the desert feel like an ocean and thorns feel like roses and if history is to be believed indeed it has resulted in some of the fiercest of battles. and yet man remains it's slave..... am i a cynic? not at all i am but a realist. just as love makes one blind it also makes the blind stumble.... so, i would just like to say that instead of looking for romance every where and there by spreading un happiness jut "love" the world for what it is and learn to enjoy the season for all it's wonderful gifts.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
new beginnings
I just got back from my trip to Goa and it is but natural that I post something with respect to the trip. But, I’m not here to talk about the exteriority of the trip… by which I mean I’m not going to really elaborate on the beauty of Goa or the bloody cheap goods there or even our 23 hour journey (just one way).
I want to talk about the new beginnings at Goa. It was a trip that opened my eyes to many things I had previously been un aware about. Whether it was friendship found in the most unlikely quarters or trying alcohol for the first time. So… let’s start at the very beginning. The trip started out as any other college trip would. Girls were excited ….. some because they were going to Goa some because the were getting out of Bangalore and some others I think only because the others were so excited.
In Goa as we began our journey to discover this wild and fantastic place I came across qualities I never knew my friends had let alone my other classmates. A strong sense of belonging one that I had yet to come across overwhelmed me every time I saw my friends stick up for each other , whether that friend was sick or sad. Loyalties peaked when the snake questioned the integrity of one of my friend’s actions. Wow…. If Gandhi had seen our non cooperation movement he would have been proud indeed. But the best part of the night was celebrating with breezers (my first time and I’m not hesitant to say this but I actually enjoyed them).
The surprise party for achala was a success. She had absolutely no clue. But the highlight of that night was watching a couple of my friends completely sloshed. The truth does come out at the most unexpected turns. That night as I watched my friend whom I had always considered perfect cry silently when some one mentioned some thing ( it’s too personal to disclose ) I realized that the outer façade is indeed deceptive in most cases. And also that it’s not just my life that’s screwed up big time.
All in all it was a fantastic experience. Not only because of the place but because of all that I learnt and saw and learnt to see.
I want to talk about the new beginnings at Goa. It was a trip that opened my eyes to many things I had previously been un aware about. Whether it was friendship found in the most unlikely quarters or trying alcohol for the first time. So… let’s start at the very beginning. The trip started out as any other college trip would. Girls were excited ….. some because they were going to Goa some because the were getting out of Bangalore and some others I think only because the others were so excited.
In Goa as we began our journey to discover this wild and fantastic place I came across qualities I never knew my friends had let alone my other classmates. A strong sense of belonging one that I had yet to come across overwhelmed me every time I saw my friends stick up for each other , whether that friend was sick or sad. Loyalties peaked when the snake questioned the integrity of one of my friend’s actions. Wow…. If Gandhi had seen our non cooperation movement he would have been proud indeed. But the best part of the night was celebrating with breezers (my first time and I’m not hesitant to say this but I actually enjoyed them).
The surprise party for achala was a success. She had absolutely no clue. But the highlight of that night was watching a couple of my friends completely sloshed. The truth does come out at the most unexpected turns. That night as I watched my friend whom I had always considered perfect cry silently when some one mentioned some thing ( it’s too personal to disclose ) I realized that the outer façade is indeed deceptive in most cases. And also that it’s not just my life that’s screwed up big time.
All in all it was a fantastic experience. Not only because of the place but because of all that I learnt and saw and learnt to see.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
aami bangali !!!!
keeping in theme with the current movie flavour ( case in point: the namesake and the bong connection) i thought i too would try to explore my roots too. p.s. this is no desertion or study about the movies, that i'll have to leave for another day. today i want to try and figure out two very basic questions," who am i" and "where do i belong".
i always thought that the answers to the afore mentioned questions were very simple. i am an indian and i belong to india. but with an increasing astonishment i have come to see that it's not enough. the fact that i am a bangali is so ingrained in my identity that i have seen it very often take precedence over the fact that i am an indian.
albeit i am a second generation bangalorean born in libya yet bangalore is not as far from kolkata as boston so why do i feel so alienated in my own ancestral city.
evrything from the language to the culture is as alien to me as to gogol ganguly. it's not that i have never been to kolkata ( or as i'd rather call it calcutta and no that's not a colonial hangup it's just that i happen to think that the name gave it that balance) infact i visit it almost once a year and all my relatives live there. it's just that i have grown up among migrant bangalis who created their own kolkata here far away from home ( remember that the telecom revolution took place in the late nineties and in the sixties Bangalore seemed a far away from kolkata as maybe Beijing). it was a new world , small compared to the cal of then , with sour food, quite people who slept at 8pm and as my mother likes to say , the kind of weather which made u forget that fans existed...... it was unheard of, absurd. yet they survived and brought up their childen as best as they could remember their parents bringing them up. they had their pujos and poites. their mukhebhaths and momos. and not very seldom their rabindra sangeet.
so i won't say i am a i.b.c.b.... try to guess that but what i would say is that i am an bangalorean bangali who before everything else is an indian from india.
"jai hind"
i always thought that the answers to the afore mentioned questions were very simple. i am an indian and i belong to india. but with an increasing astonishment i have come to see that it's not enough. the fact that i am a bangali is so ingrained in my identity that i have seen it very often take precedence over the fact that i am an indian.
albeit i am a second generation bangalorean born in libya yet bangalore is not as far from kolkata as boston so why do i feel so alienated in my own ancestral city.
evrything from the language to the culture is as alien to me as to gogol ganguly. it's not that i have never been to kolkata ( or as i'd rather call it calcutta and no that's not a colonial hangup it's just that i happen to think that the name gave it that balance) infact i visit it almost once a year and all my relatives live there. it's just that i have grown up among migrant bangalis who created their own kolkata here far away from home ( remember that the telecom revolution took place in the late nineties and in the sixties Bangalore seemed a far away from kolkata as maybe Beijing). it was a new world , small compared to the cal of then , with sour food, quite people who slept at 8pm and as my mother likes to say , the kind of weather which made u forget that fans existed...... it was unheard of, absurd. yet they survived and brought up their childen as best as they could remember their parents bringing them up. they had their pujos and poites. their mukhebhaths and momos. and not very seldom their rabindra sangeet.
so i won't say i am a i.b.c.b.... try to guess that but what i would say is that i am an bangalorean bangali who before everything else is an indian from india.
"jai hind"
Saturday, June 30, 2007
june
since i have managed to post something every month i thought i should probably continue this ritual. thus this post on the last day of the month.it's been a pretty eventful month what with my starting my final year of college and believe it or not i am dreading my first foot steps out of the comfortable world that student's live in. plus with the promise of the next 10 months rushing as fast as the proposed metro services in Bangalore i am already feeling pangs of nostalgia for none other than my college ( sheesh who would believe it).
well to enumerate the occurrences of this month i have made this following list.
1) college reopened after what seemed like spending an eternity at home.
2) i was made math association secretary a post that should have gone to one of my closest friends. (p.s. if your are reading you know who you are)
3) for the first time since i started driving i was so nervous at the wheels that i started shaking and haven driven since.
4)i finally am comfortable and have found a good friend in some one i used to very snobbishly look down upon. i am sorry you know that i am right? u'll probably be one of the few people i will miss when i leave this college.
5)and most importantly i realised that as wrong as it is i still haven't gotten over someone. that some one doesn't know and he probably won't ever know plus i don't even want him to know but given the overdose of romantic novels that i have it wouldn't be a mistake to hope. just hope that someday he knows.
well to enumerate the occurrences of this month i have made this following list.
1) college reopened after what seemed like spending an eternity at home.
2) i was made math association secretary a post that should have gone to one of my closest friends. (p.s. if your are reading you know who you are)
3) for the first time since i started driving i was so nervous at the wheels that i started shaking and haven driven since.
4)i finally am comfortable and have found a good friend in some one i used to very snobbishly look down upon. i am sorry you know that i am right? u'll probably be one of the few people i will miss when i leave this college.
5)and most importantly i realised that as wrong as it is i still haven't gotten over someone. that some one doesn't know and he probably won't ever know plus i don't even want him to know but given the overdose of romantic novels that i have it wouldn't be a mistake to hope. just hope that someday he knows.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
void!!!
what do i write about i wonder as the day rushes past me with it's little trivialities. today do i share my thoughts about myself ... or should i mention something good or horrible that's engulfing this world. or should i in the heat of the moment share my heart breaks with some void called the Internet. one wouldn't think that writing is this complicated, especially to someone who gets such a rush while writing.
this post is not about writing however it is about sharing. sharing your deepest and innermost thoughts with a nameless face less void called the Internet. my heart beats with bated anticipation and my breath catches in my lungs as i wait for my blog spot to open where lie all my little eccentricities , my insecurities, my opinions and actions all in the form of a few words that tumble out faster than i can type. and why .... and why one may ask.
well it's all in the hope that some one in this huge void is reading it and calling it his /her own. that these few words are in fact making a difference in some one's life. and someone out there is saying "yes.... that's so true . i feel the same way".
this post is not about writing however it is about sharing. sharing your deepest and innermost thoughts with a nameless face less void called the Internet. my heart beats with bated anticipation and my breath catches in my lungs as i wait for my blog spot to open where lie all my little eccentricities , my insecurities, my opinions and actions all in the form of a few words that tumble out faster than i can type. and why .... and why one may ask.
well it's all in the hope that some one in this huge void is reading it and calling it his /her own. that these few words are in fact making a difference in some one's life. and someone out there is saying "yes.... that's so true . i feel the same way".
Thursday, May 17, 2007
ola india!
what the hell is happening. no seriously. India ....... the land of equality , liberty and secularist seems to be falling apart. the country is firstly being ruled by some fundamentalists who are pointing their murky fingers at everything from religion to art and politics.
the land where all were welcome ( proof: 200yrs of colonization) is now rejecting it's own people. i mean where else in the world currently is a known Don's wife given the post of home minister for state , or for that matter a social worker being branded a naxalite only because he wanted to come up with a rehabilitation program for their families so that their kin don't end up as naxalites.
and most astonishing is the fact that where else in the world is art being subjected to moral scrutiny especially through the eyes of probably the most immoral people in the world. i mean have they ever managed to see the world famous heritage sites in their own country of which they can't talk enough about in front of foreigners .it's these tourists who seem to understand the art more any way. which painting or piece of architecture in India that is above 100 yrs does not show nudity? i mean if one person , 1 person among those who stoned the university or arrested that artist and suspended the dean can show me anything from ancient India that does not depict nudity i will eat my words.
for a country that boasts a population exceeding 1 billion it is probably the biggest hypocrite when it's " educated and learned" politicians refuse to allow sex education in schools or even better file a subpoena in court against an actress who was kissed on the cheek by a man at an aids awareness event.
all the talk about gen x being Americanized and not caring about the country.... just makes me think that if indeed for the last 60 yrs India has managed to reach this level of " maturity" then thank god that when we will finally take over the reins the things can only get better. plus i am not entirely sure that this was the picture of India that out fore fathers who fought to make India independent foresaw. deems to me rather that we were more united under British rule than by ourselves.
the land where all were welcome ( proof: 200yrs of colonization) is now rejecting it's own people. i mean where else in the world currently is a known Don's wife given the post of home minister for state , or for that matter a social worker being branded a naxalite only because he wanted to come up with a rehabilitation program for their families so that their kin don't end up as naxalites.
and most astonishing is the fact that where else in the world is art being subjected to moral scrutiny especially through the eyes of probably the most immoral people in the world. i mean have they ever managed to see the world famous heritage sites in their own country of which they can't talk enough about in front of foreigners .it's these tourists who seem to understand the art more any way. which painting or piece of architecture in India that is above 100 yrs does not show nudity? i mean if one person , 1 person among those who stoned the university or arrested that artist and suspended the dean can show me anything from ancient India that does not depict nudity i will eat my words.
for a country that boasts a population exceeding 1 billion it is probably the biggest hypocrite when it's " educated and learned" politicians refuse to allow sex education in schools or even better file a subpoena in court against an actress who was kissed on the cheek by a man at an aids awareness event.
all the talk about gen x being Americanized and not caring about the country.... just makes me think that if indeed for the last 60 yrs India has managed to reach this level of " maturity" then thank god that when we will finally take over the reins the things can only get better. plus i am not entirely sure that this was the picture of India that out fore fathers who fought to make India independent foresaw. deems to me rather that we were more united under British rule than by ourselves.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
a summer afternoon
It's a lazy summer afternoon. a day after my examinations which as usual did not end on a very positive note. the air outside is hot and oppressive yet like always thee is a cool.... a very slight breeze fluttering at the leaves. at home inside the atmosphere is slightly different. thanks to the wondrous compound that marble is made of the house feels like a cool oasis in the midst the summer heat. there is a prevailing silence that echoes through the empty house broken only by the dull drone of digging at a construction site nearby.
at such a time there is only one thing that can lift my spirits and that is ...a good book. a book that i can curl up with on my dad's lounge chair. it's location too is perfect. it's placed along side of a window that overlooks a street. the street i must say has a life of it's own. though it's quiet and silent at most times just as the clock strikes 4 the sound of children's play fills the air. their constant chatter.... the fighting banter and beautiful laughter can make any day seem much lighter.
the problems of a week day slip by without notice during a summer holiday.i still remember waiting eagerly for the summer vacations in school , waiting for my brothers exams to end so that we could go off to Calcutta. to Calcutta it was every summer for a month. Calcutta 's horrible summer was daunting yet the excitement of traveling together as a family especially by train was indeed amazing. but as years progressed the trips became far and fewer. then a time came when we just stopped travelling as a family because everyone was busy with their own lives... i think it was at that time that the novelty of going to Calcutta every year finally wore off.
mangoes and lots of ice cream made summers so special....the pitter patter of rain in may when it's hot everywhere but here still manages to captivate me with it's beauty.
and though the days seem longer .......in reality when it's over i always miss summer.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
i am fine
considering the fact that most people who have read my prevous post have come to think that i am some morose forlorn lover i decided to post something new. something that makes others believe that in reality i am an annoyingly cheery person who analyses situations too much and uses sarcasm to sheild her true feelings.
why am i always so cheery......sometimes i ask myself. plus the disbelief with which my friends look at me all the time makes me think that i am somekind of unearthly creature....but the reality is just that it takes very little to cheer up my mood. a favourite song , a cool breze , a good book , chai with a few close friends and even to large extent.....a ringing bell , a baloon and even those little soap bubbles one can see flying around in the air during fairs make me happy.
but that does not make me somekind of a monster who has absolutely no other kind of feelings. actually it is kind of weird justifying my cheeriness compared to the dreary world outside just because some people found my last post very unlike me........
it's just that i am hurt very easily just like i cheer up very easily and considering the amount of hatered , and pain outside in the world i figure what's the use of dumping my thoughts out there too.
why am i always so cheery......sometimes i ask myself. plus the disbelief with which my friends look at me all the time makes me think that i am somekind of unearthly creature....but the reality is just that it takes very little to cheer up my mood. a favourite song , a cool breze , a good book , chai with a few close friends and even to large extent.....a ringing bell , a baloon and even those little soap bubbles one can see flying around in the air during fairs make me happy.
but that does not make me somekind of a monster who has absolutely no other kind of feelings. actually it is kind of weird justifying my cheeriness compared to the dreary world outside just because some people found my last post very unlike me........
it's just that i am hurt very easily just like i cheer up very easily and considering the amount of hatered , and pain outside in the world i figure what's the use of dumping my thoughts out there too.
Monday, February 12, 2007
a ballad i attempted
i let him go. today a day before valentines day the supposed day for all romantics i confess i let him go. i don't really want him back yet i'm sad that he went.
late at night sometimes i smile when i reminiscence those little gestures of affection , those words of comfort that he always had for me that soft corner for all my little quirks.i don't really want him back yet i am sad that he will never come back.
love never affected me , sentiments repulsed me yet now as i look back i feel like a fool.... a fool who never understood that i loved him more then he ever could. it breaks my heart now to see him go and never turn back.....
why don't i want him back u may ask.......it is only because he has moved on ... moved on to different shores , moved on hopeful of never getting his heart broken again. it's simple i don't want to hurt anyone again so i want him to stay away.... i know i Will be alright coz i have my memories which will last me nothing short of a life time.
Monday, January 29, 2007
a tear
i was all right for a while
i could smile, for a while but when i saw you last night
you held my hand so tightwhen you stopped to say "hello"and though you wished me well
you couldnt tell
that id been crying
over you crying over you
then you said so longleft me standing all alone
alone and crying crying crying
crying its hard to understand
that the touch of your handcan start me crying i thought that i was over you
but its true
oh, so true i love you even more than i did before
but darling, what can i do?you dont love meand ill always becrying
over you
crying over youyes, now you're gone and from this moment onill be crying crying cryingcrying
-Don McLean
and i love you so the people ask me how
how iv lived till now
i tell them i dont know
i guess they understand
how lonely life has beenbut life began againthe day you took my hand
and yes, i know
how lonely life can bethe shadows follow meand the night wont set me free
but i dont let evening get me down
now that youre around meand you love me too
your thoughs are just for me
you set me spirit free
im happy that you do.the book of life is briefand once a page is readall but love is dead
that is my belief
and yes
i know how loveless life can be
the shadows follow me and the night wont set me free
but i dont let evening bring me downnow that youre around meand i love you so the people ask me how
how iv lived till now
i tell them... i dont know-
Don McLean
do these musings ever manage to suddenly catch a tear cascading down your face?
i could smile, for a while but when i saw you last night
you held my hand so tightwhen you stopped to say "hello"and though you wished me well
you couldnt tell
that id been crying
over you crying over you
then you said so longleft me standing all alone
alone and crying crying crying
crying its hard to understand
that the touch of your handcan start me crying i thought that i was over you
but its true
oh, so true i love you even more than i did before
but darling, what can i do?you dont love meand ill always becrying
over you
crying over youyes, now you're gone and from this moment onill be crying crying cryingcrying
-Don McLean
and i love you so the people ask me how
how iv lived till now
i tell them i dont know
i guess they understand
how lonely life has beenbut life began againthe day you took my hand
and yes, i know
how lonely life can bethe shadows follow meand the night wont set me free
but i dont let evening get me down
now that youre around meand you love me too
your thoughs are just for me
you set me spirit free
im happy that you do.the book of life is briefand once a page is readall but love is dead
that is my belief
and yes
i know how loveless life can be
the shadows follow me and the night wont set me free
but i dont let evening bring me downnow that youre around meand i love you so the people ask me how
how iv lived till now
i tell them... i dont know-
Don McLean
do these musings ever manage to suddenly catch a tear cascading down your face?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
dreams!!!!
just yesterday i had a dream....it was so vivid that i still remember it in amazing detail.......
i was walking along a tree lined avenue taking in the beauty of the place. it had everything from beautiful flowers in the bushes nearby to fruit rich trees providing a gentle breeze that ruffled my hair.......when suddenly a thought flashed across my head. it was more of a feeling actually ,it was the feeling of complete lonliness , the feeling that at the end of the street there was no one waiting for me. and it's this feeling that i remember most about the dream.it was so real and distinct that i could feel the pain and despair very clearly.
and suddenly i was transported to a bottomless crevice where i was falling and the same dreadful feeling crept on to me that there was no one waiting ........ there was no one to catch me.... no one to hold my hand.
why? why did those feelings creep by? why did i feel that there was nobody waiting for me?these questions will remain unanswered perhaps forever yet i know that they will haunt me till i begin to feel that there is somebody waiting for me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
me and myself
since my life right now is cruising at a speed of 5 km/hr i thought it would appropriate to write a little about myself...... (I'm not trying to be self indulgent)
the past 20 yrs of my life have basically been a whirlwind. my first memory of life is my preschool.though i don't remember much i do remember crying out to the vegetable vendor to take me home!!!! well i was a "special child".
the first few years of school i was a nondescript child who tried to get a+ only because she was promised 3 chocolates per a+.( well my older brother was very persuasive). then came the gawky yet cocky pre teen years nothing remarkable happened their either it was infact in high school that i finally discovered myself.
from dancing at every possible school function to my first brush with leadership high school gave it all.and now i am in college....... aah college what can i say...... i have a mix of the most unusual set of friends each as different from each other as water and oil yet the cacophony that ensues every time they meet even if it's just after an hour is melody to my ears though not to many of our teachers.
yet i must say that i reminiscence about those school days more maybe because everyone knew me there ....... maybe because i was a different person then ......a more confident , a more optimistic and most importantly just a better person. i know it sounds like i am writing like a 60 yr old but it is true and only those who know me inside will know the subtle changes. these 2 yrs of college have changed me more than people realize. i have learnt to accept failure.....a word i hated in school.......i have stopped trying to make a difference because none of my previous efforts seem to have had much of an impact ,plus clearly pessimism has taken a strong hold of me.
so...... in an attempt to prevent ending this blog on a sad note i would just like to say that i probably will change much more over time but change need not always be bad right?
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
the past 20 yrs of my life have basically been a whirlwind. my first memory of life is my preschool.though i don't remember much i do remember crying out to the vegetable vendor to take me home!!!! well i was a "special child".
the first few years of school i was a nondescript child who tried to get a+ only because she was promised 3 chocolates per a+.( well my older brother was very persuasive). then came the gawky yet cocky pre teen years nothing remarkable happened their either it was infact in high school that i finally discovered myself.
from dancing at every possible school function to my first brush with leadership high school gave it all.and now i am in college....... aah college what can i say...... i have a mix of the most unusual set of friends each as different from each other as water and oil yet the cacophony that ensues every time they meet even if it's just after an hour is melody to my ears though not to many of our teachers.
yet i must say that i reminiscence about those school days more maybe because everyone knew me there ....... maybe because i was a different person then ......a more confident , a more optimistic and most importantly just a better person. i know it sounds like i am writing like a 60 yr old but it is true and only those who know me inside will know the subtle changes. these 2 yrs of college have changed me more than people realize. i have learnt to accept failure.....a word i hated in school.......i have stopped trying to make a difference because none of my previous efforts seem to have had much of an impact ,plus clearly pessimism has taken a strong hold of me.
so...... in an attempt to prevent ending this blog on a sad note i would just like to say that i probably will change much more over time but change need not always be bad right?
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Friday, January 5, 2007
a very happy birthday
just as 2006 gave way to 2007 ...... the age of ninteen gave way to that of twenty for me.is it any different many ask. but it isn't . it's the same 24 hrs with the only change that i have maybe lost a little bit of that baby fat and that i have perhaps reduced the frequency of those giggles that freely used to flow.
memories of a remarkable birthday are few. being born so close to my brothers ( 30th-me , 1st-my older bro, 11th- my second bro) i just remember cutting a huge train cake that my parents ordered a week before jan 1st at nilgiri's ( coz they always deliver late) in 3 flavours and a special chocolate engine for my older brother and me ( my second brother the is good boy who doesn't spoil his teeth.... proof only he doesn't have cavities).
our house would be flooded with aunts and uncles still getting over their hangovers from partying way too hard the night before and their children who till they reached about an age of 13 would ogle at the cake till we cut it.my mother would be frantically going over the details again and again. my dad as usual would be getting in the way while he'd pour over the wine cabinet but what was most memorable was that the three of us would be given three bowls of payasam .... that all three of us would try to siphon off so that we wouldn't have to eat it.most of the time it was my second brother who would be forced to have my share and my older brother's.
it's been awhile ......now a few people have even left us for their permanent homes yet somewhere there is a small flicker of hope that those times will return. those times when we all knew what the other was feeling. those times when our biggest worry was who got the biggest piece of cake.
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