i don't know

i've wanted to write about this subject for a long time now... it's about me and no it's not a thesis or some narcissistic post about how great i am but it is about how confused i am as a person to me and thus obviously to others...
when people say that they know i really wonder because it seems that at most times i don't know my self....
i say something but am mostly looking in the complete opposite direction... even now as i write this i'm trying to figure out how and why is it that i choose to put foward a front which is alien to me at most times but common to all others who know me.
i am for example a very jovial happy at most times... sarcastic at evry living hour yet by my self i'm lonely..not very happy and mostly pessimistic and morose about life in general....
i've had heart breaks without any one and i mean when i say any one ever knowing yet i've helped most around me take decisions... be responsible...over come heart break but no one has ever known what i've been genuinely thinking and i'm not sure why..
i don't know why it is that i've never told any one not even my closest friends about the things that make me cry make me laugh and those that really make me happy
question is will i ever be able to .. will i ever be able to tell any one...will any one ever know me for who i am .....
it's a very generic question that i wanted to ask my self and u my reader my void...